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Tis The Season

I am usually a Christmas person. I love the spirit of the season, the idea of joy and peace and goodwill to all men. It is something that I try to carry and embody through out the year, and even more so during the holiday season. Usually. There is a pain that haunts me every year, but this year it has been worse than usual.

You see, I am estranged from my three eldest children. They have not spoken to me in years. It’s a pain that I am accustomed to and can normally handle. Not so this holiday season. I find myself missing them with an intensity that I haven’t felt in quite some time. There have been days that I have felt positively manic in my emotions, having them range wildly on a near hourly basis.

For the most part I have been able to contain the storm within, but there has been the odd squall that has washed up on the shores of the people that I care about. I try to console myself by remembering that these friends and family are in my life and do love me despite my oddities. It helps a little, but only a little. I try to console myself by recalling that just a few years past the storm raged unabated for months without recourse, enough that I withdrew from nearly everybody in my life, lest I inadvertently hurt them in my grief and rage.

At the lowest point during that period I found myself thinking that it would be easier if my children were dead. A horrible thought and one I am ashamed to have ever had, but it would have been easier, I thought. At least if they were dead there would have been a funeral, a tearful goodbye, closure. But such is not the case.

And so I carry on, trying not to inflict my personal crap on the people close to me, lest I lose them as well. I don’t always succeed, but I do try. Thank you.

There is one friend in particular that I would like to single out. One of my squalls landed at her feet, and to make matters worse, butted squarely up against her own personal trials. Despite this she handled it with kindness, charity and grace. I can only hope that she can forgive me my madness and trust that it will pass. For this and many other reasons she has earned my trust and friendship.

To A.J.: you make my life better and I think perhaps even make me better. Watching you with your own struggles has inspired me to renew my efforts to be a better man. Thank you. You are greater than I think you know. I know you don’t always believe it, or even see it within yourself, but I do. You have truly earned my friendship, a status reserved for only a select few (as you may be aware of).

And on that note, I am off to find a large glass of what will hopefully prove to be Christmas Cheer. Though I will accept a large glass of sedation if that is not to be.

Posted in Content, Personal.

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